Today was hard. Accepting change and new experiences is difficult. Despite exisitng as the ultimate being adapted for change, I constantly feel underprepared. I think the lack of asking for help is a big adversary. Whether that statement makes sense, or not, I am unsure.
I fundamentally understand that accepting the change becomes easier with time. But there’s still that nagging voice in the back of my head that asks the, “what if, why now, how come, and when will” questions. I’m certain these may be indicators that I’m dealing with some form of anxiety. Yet even so I cannot believe that with medication, therapy, rehabilitation these feelings will go away. Not to alarm anyone but I’m just generally unwell.
When I was younger I was carefree. There wasn’t a single instance that I thought I was incapable of handling life. I knew things and I had a passion for learning. That passion hasn’t gone away yet the realization that learning is something reserved for the privileged has discouraged me. Nothing is easy. And in capitalism nothing is free. I remember learning in grade school that utopia cannot exist but still I wonder why not? If I could change the world I would hope to make it a better place. One where you could do what you want when you want. I know there are others like me that have these intrusive thoughts.
There isn’t one right answer. One global solution to our global suffering. Movies, tv shows, literature all speculate that maybe it is our suffering that gives us purpose. If that is truth then we must really be in hell. And why can’t we be existing in eternal damnation? With the state of the world it would seem to be fact. The past seems better than the future. Apathy for change due to oppression of the people. We crave for a better tomorrow yet expect these problems to be solved in an instant. While we wait, agonizing pain.
In my day to day experiences all I hear are cries for help. And all I have to offer is misinformed guidence. The constant in the experiment is me and my fallacies. If there is a variable its this soul searching for an escape from the mundane. Money in this society is what seems to set us free but the rules to this game are almost nonexistent. I just want peace.
Everything is loud and jarring. A restless spirit in a vessel meant for joy. Earth, this beautiful rock in the sky, exists in perfect balance. We are so lucky to have this home with everything we could need though its apparent there is something missing. Perhaps a shift in the balance has caused this blind spot? Whatever it is that is throwing me off the path on my pursuit of happiness has me fucked up. I NEED to know what it is. But I also don’t want to know. I am struggling. I am surviving. I don’t know where to go or who can help.
I am aware of religion and spirituality. I’ve studied (though not extensively) different theologies. They all lead to the same tired conclusion, “there’s something better out there”. Whether it is by grand or personal design we should have hope. I don’t want hope. I just want to rest. My mind and my body are tired. When I was in high school I experienced the atrocities of human kind. Exposed to the ugly truths our society tries to hide. We forget we are animals gifted with sentience… or cursed. We know ourselves too well and what terrifies me most are the similarities between those deemed evil. But is it all really that important or are these absolute moralities dictated once again by society?
Animals know instinctively how to act. Of course certain things are taught by parents such as: how to hunt, how to hide, and where to live. To an extent humans perform the same yet on a grander scale; a bigger stage. We go to school, we play, and then at such a young age (respectively) we are thrust into a society which doesn’t seem to acknowledge who we are as individuals. So here I am. A trope in a story. Main character or not I exist. And to my dismay I trudge on searching, or awaiting discovery, for/by what I do not know.
I want to nurture. I want to grow and foster positivity. I know intrinsically how to feel happy. But external forces… man they beat you down like waves of a tsunami crashing into an island. I am one person so small, so insignificant. I stand here day after day taking a beating this world has to offer and for what? Bills to keep the lights on? I didn’t ask for electricity yet I’m told I need it. To work in a job? I didn’t want but have to have in case I get sick. This isn’t living. This is barely surviving. I almost wish I were out taking my chances in mother nature. Hunted by a lion or wolf or bear, some predator that put the fear of god into me. A good “kick in the pants” type of motivation. So long as I don’t have to deal with snakes I imagine I could survive…
I pray I can continue to express my feelings. I will try to persevere and write out my thoughts. Perhaps this will help in some way. Maybe I will discover my purpose. If there is one thing I am blessed with it is this painful self awareness I wish others experienced. Do others experience this?